Dear Aunty Stanky,

My kids are “so bored,” what can I do?
Thanks,

T-Mom

Dear T-Mom:

Ah, the age-old quandary: “What’s wrong with my children? Why are they so hard to please? Why do I even keep them around? Why, why, why?”

There are many answers to this dilemma, of course, but my years of life, and the wisdom I’ve obtained during such, lead me to one simple, elegant answer – quit breeding.

No one asked you to reproduce in the first place, no one insisted you keep the results to raise yourself rather than farm the little poop-sacks out to professionals, and trust me, no one was surprised when you turned out to be bad at it (I’ve read the testimonials).

Now, as far as the mistakes you’ve already made, forgive my being blunt, but you have few options. No one wants them now since you’ve already broken them for anyone else’s pleasure, so you need to consider the tough choices: 1) learn to keep them amused yourself (and I don’t recommend this approach, since you’ve already failed so horribly at it, or 2) cannibalism. The latter is quite satisfying, and with the proper spices, delightful.

I’m sure, once you’ve weighed the options, you’ll choose the right path.

Hope that helps!

Always your Aunty,

La Stanky