Dear Aunty Stanky:

 I recently adopted my first child through the Universal Religious Orphanage for Children. However, the paperwork did not include the species (or age) of my new bundle of joy. I am assuming however that principles of raising a child are universal? Any generic advice on child-rearing that transcends culture, planets and species would be appreciated!

PUZZLED IN THE PACIFIC (NORTHWEST)

Dear Puzzled:

Oh, dear.  You went through UROC, did you?  My, my, my…

Have you ever heard of a little movie called The Omen?  Or maybe The Exorcist?  Bad Seed, perhaps?  

In the immortal words of yet another movie, “Be afraid.  Be very afraid.”

Good luck with that whole parenting thing, though!  Children are such treasures…

Always your (until the inevitable end, that is),

Keeper Stanky