Dear Aunt Skanky,

     I have recently discovered, through the unauthorized use of a Time Portal, that my unborn daughter is slated to be kidnapped by Ice Goons in 22 years.  So I need to start making plans for her safe recovery.  Disabling the Goons shouldn’t be much of a problem — I just need to get more food coloring and pound the dust out of those old sofa cushions I found in the dumpster.  But how do I approach the Goons to begin with?  You see, I can’t wear orange — don’t judge me, it’s a religious thing, and anyway my semi-cat vomited all over my best shoes.  (She’s all right now.  It was just a three-day flu virus.  I’m not sure what it is now, but it’s not a virus anymore, and it pays the rent on time, so I can’t complain too much.)

     I eagerly await your advice.

     STICKY SHOES IN SEATTLE

Dear Goon Loon –

After several exhausting minutes in deep research, I have found that Seattle has several high-quality institutions for people like yourself (you know, crazy. Bonkers. Riding the Banana Train to Coconut Alley.)

As far as your hypothetical daughter goes, let’s just say she’s going to dress like a Protestant on St. Patrick’s Day, chum. Daily. It’s a religious thing.

Always your (judgy, very judgy)

Aunty Stanky